“I do not much dislike the matter, but the manner of his speech,” Julius Caesar says, in Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra. In other words, it’s often not what you say that determines how people respond to you, but rather how you say it.

There are three main styles of communication:

1. Passive;
2. Aggressive; and
3. Assertive.

None of these styles of communication guarantees you the outcome that you want. However, generally speaking, assertive communication is the most appropriate in the workplace because it:

• Demonstrates respect for the speaker;
• Demonstrates respect for the person being spoken to; and
• Promotes a positive workplace culture.

The aim of this article, which draws on information published by the Centre for Clinical Interventions, is to describe the three styles of communication outlined above, as well as some of the advantages and disadvantages associated with each. Not only will this allow you to recognise passive, aggressive and assertive communication in yourself and others, it will also enable you to choose an appropriate communication style for the situation at hand.
 

Passive Communication

Passive communicators are likely to:

• Not express their thoughts, beliefs, needs, opinions and requests at all; or
• Express their thoughts beliefs, needs, opinions and requests in an apologetic and self-effacing way, so that others can easily disregard them.

What do passive communicators sound like?

Passive communicators tend to:

• Use long, rambling sentences;
• Beat around the bush;
• Pause and hesitate;
• Clear their throat often;
• Apologise when they don’t need to;
• Speak softly and unsteadily;
• Have a dull, monotonous tone of voice; or
• Speak in a sing-song.

Passive communicators say things like:

• “If it wouldn’t be too much trouble...”;
• “Maybe” , “er”, “um”, “sort of”;
• “I wouldn’t normally say anything”;
• “I’m terribly sorry to bother you..”;   
• “Its only my opinion” or “I might be wrong”;
• “It’s not important” or “It doesn’t really matter”; and
• “I’m useless...hopeless” or “You know me...”

What are some mannerisms associated with passive communication?

Passive communicators do things like:

• Avert their gaze;
• Look down;  
• Slouch;
• Wring their hands;
• Wink or laugh when expressing anger;
• Cover their mouth with hand;
• Cross their arms over their body for protection;
• Smile slightly when expressing anger or being criticised; or
• Bite their lip.

What are some advantages of passive communication?

The benefits of a passive style of communication include:

• Receiving praise for being selfless and a good sport;
• Rarely being blamed if things go wrong;
• Being protected and looked after by others; and
• Avoiding, postponing or masking conflict.

What are some disadvantages of passive communication?

Passive communicators may experience:

• A build-up of stress and anger that can explode in a really aggressive manner;
• Unreasonable demands from other people;
• Their own reasonable requests being ignored or not taken seriously;
• A personal and / or professional identity that is restricted by other people’s image of a good person; and
• Loss of self esteem.

Aggressive communication

Aggressive communicators are likely to:

• Stand up for their themselves and express their thoughts, feelings and beliefs in a way which is usually inappropriate and violates the rights of other people;
• Attack when threatened; and
• Maintain a feeling of superiority by putting other people down.

What do aggressive communicators sound like?

Aggressive communicators tend to:

• Speak in a strident, sarcastic or condescending voice;
• Be fluent, quick and abrupt;
• Emphasise blaming words;
• Use a firm, harsh or cold tone of voice; and
• Shout.

Aggressive communicators say things like:

• “You’d better watch out” or “If you don’t...”;
• “You’ve got to be kidding...” or “Don’t be so stupid”;
• “Should”, “bad”, “ought”;
• “That’s just what I expect of women / men / Caucasians”;
• “I haven’t got problems like yours”;
• “Nobody wants to behave like that” or “That’s a useless way to do it”; and
• “Haven’t you finished that yet?” or “Why on earth did you do it like that?”.

What are some mannerisms associated with aggressive communication?

Aggressive communicators do things like:

• Intrude on people’s personal space;
• Stare intimidatingly at the person they’re talking to;
• Point their finger or clench their fist;
• Stride around impatiently;
• Lean forward;
• Cross their arms to prevent others from approaching them;
• Sneer;
• Scowl when angry; and
• Have a firm, set jaw.

What are some advantages of aggressive communication?

The benefits of an aggressive style of communication include:

• Other people become more compliant;
• Feelings of invulnerability;
• Feelings of control;
• Release of tension; and
• Feelings of power.

What are some disadvantages of aggressive communication?

Aggressive communicators may:

• Be resented by those around them;
• Have many enemies;
• Become fearful and paranoid;
• Find it difficult to relax;
• Feel guilty and ashamed; and
• Lose self confidence and self esteem.

Assertiveness  

Assertive communicators are likely to:

• Communicate feelings, thoughts, beliefs and requests in an open, honest manner, without violating the rights of others;
• Be less depressed than people who use other communication styles; and
• Have better health outcomes than people who are either passive or aggressive.

What do assertive communicators sound like?

Assertive communicators tend to:

• Speak in a firm, relaxed voice;
• Speak fluently, at a steady pace, with few hesitations;
• Use a mid-range pitch, and sound rich and warm;
• Be brief and to the point;
• Come across as sincere and clear; and
• Use an appropriate volume for the situation.

Assertive communicators say things like:

• “I like”, “I want”, “I don’t like”;
• “What are your thoughts on this”;
• “I would like to...”;
• “My experience is different”;
• “How about...” or “Would you like to...”;
• “I feel irritated when you interrupt me”;
• “How does this fit in with your ideas”; and
• “How can we get around this problem?”.

What are some mannerisms associated with assertive communication?

Assertive communicators do things like:

• Listen receptively;
• Maintain direct eye contact without staring;
• Have an erect, balanced, open body stance;
• Use open hand movements;
• Smile when pleased;
• Frown when angry;
• Have steady features; and
• Have a relaxed jaw.

What are some advantages of assertive communication?

The benefits of an assertive style of communication include:

• High self esteem and self respect;
• A greater likelihood of being listened to, and achieving desired outcomes;
• An increased ability to achieve mutually beneficial results;
• Less resented by others, and less build-up of resentment personally; and
• Better relationships in the long term.

What are some disadvantages of assertive communication?

Assertive communicators may:

• Feel some degree of stress, pain or discomfort particularly when asserting oneself involves conflict with others; and
• Not always achieve their aims.

The Centre for Clinical Interventions publishes a wealth of information about assertive communication, including a workbook aimed at promoting assertive communication skills.